Where My Mind Wandered Today in Yoga

Anyone who has been to a yoga class knows that the number one rule of yoga is to be present-don't let your mind wander and focus on each asana (pose). Maybe I have ADD but in the past 10 years of doing yoga my mind has never stopped wandering. Usually my mind wanders from I'm hungry to what am I going to make for dinner tonight to ick-I really need a pedicure. It never stops.

Today while I was in my first downward dog of the practice I thought about how much harder doing downward dog is getting the older I get. This led to positive self talk that made me grateful that I was there and able to still touch my toes. I began to think about being young and taking such a little thing for granted and how unaware I was to how quickly I would come to this place and how, not much farther in the future, I would be incapable of even getting to this yoga studio.

 I thought about the people that seemed like such a big part of my life along the way and how we all moved on as if we meant nothing to each other. I just assumed that we would always be together I had no idea just how fleeting our friendships would be and I wondered where we were and what we did the last time we saw each other. I was oblivious to time and the impact each person had on my life. I was self absorbed really and now in my early forties I realize that and I wish it wasn't true. I am holding plank and comforting myself with the reminder that regret is a waste of time and what I have learned from hurting the people I may have hurt and making the mistakes I made gives me the conviction to avoid making those same mistakes and being more thoughtful of the people I care about.

As I stand in warrior one I think of my mother-the true warrior. I think about her life and how hard it was. How no matter what she always took care of us. There are times I think I would have run away if I were her but she didn't. She made mistakes too but she never stopped fighting.  I tell myself to have more patience with her to honor the fierce woman she was and be kinder to the worn out soldier she is now.

Struggling in standing bow my thoughts traverse from my mother to my son-if anything can erase the regrets of the past the amazing gift of your child can. It reminds me why my mother stayed in an abusive marriage to a thankless husband-because your child can heal your heart like a master surgeon and make it better than it was before. A child gives you a different purpose- a chance to be the best you can be.

My arms reach up to the ceiling as I balance on one leg. I am thankful for the man I married and floored by the thought that we will have been married 20 years this September. It sometimes seems miraculous that we made it this far-we have become different people many times over in the past 20 years and I am hopeful that the people we are now is a comfortable fit for the next 40.  This has been the hardest job I have ever had and there were certainly times I thought of switching careers but right now is good. Right now it has been worth the struggles and sadness. This past Sunday I was reading the USA Weekender and there was a small article about the beautiful and somehow ageless Diane Lane. In this article she was asked what her secret was to staying married through some very rough times with actor Josh Brolin. Her answer was so true for me, "Trying. What you put in is what you get back. It's all you can have in life."

And so, I am in my final resting pose, shavasana. This pose is meant to represent your final resting place. You are encouraged to relax every muscle and imagine your flesh melting into the soil of the earth, becoming the earth. It is in this pose that you accept, give thanks and surrender. And this I do.

Now-what I am I going to make for dinner?